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27 January 2011 @ 11:05 am
I need to write more but I've mostly given up on LiveJournal-- my poetry is on my facebook (Nikolaas Mirage) or in Portland Maine on a stage I easily call home. Find me or lose me right there.

I haven't forgotten you.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: tv jingles
28 January 2010 @ 04:07 pm
Radical queer porn. It's fucking great and soooo unavailable that when I found some today I didn't even pace myself, I ate those videos up like... well, you know. Like a pretty cupcake right in the middle of some naked person(s)....

But I really should've saved some for a different time because now I'm just going to watch these few videos over and over again as if they were my own. Oh, self love. Stop that.

In other news: new management starts Sunday and I'm a bit worried. I can be rude, confrontational (about pronouns and the like), moody, I won't wear a headset, I dye my mohawk fucked up colors pretty regularly, and I write BOY on my hand. with the O being the trans symbol ;) I don't know how much he's gonna like me but... whatever, we'll see how it goes. I'm going to be starting up a new, more regular (hopefully!) blog... gendermonster.wordpress.com we'll see how it goes.

I'm planning for March-June right now, woo! Can't wait to see my lovers and fuck shit up!

Mx. Nikolaas "Q" Mathias Mirage

ps Kicked Out anthology comes out soon! I'm stoked! I'm IN that book... which still floors me. <3
Current Location: in the sunset
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Jude Law and a Semester Abroad (acoustic)
26 November 2009 @ 03:45 pm
My saliva is vodka and you make my mouth
anything but dry
but boy, could you beat me raw
and be my desert's sun
boy you bleed me dry

I've never said no to you
although I can't say why
when I said I've had enough
I'm not your plaything
(unless we've talked about that
but this isn't the same thing)
we can't even communicate anymore
you left me like a shipless sea
I've been shifting, sleeping less and less
so many hours lost, you cost me my sanity
even when you're not around
you're not alone but you're not
telling me it's too hot to cuddle, either
my arms may have been empty those nights
but you occupied the same covers
then threw them off like lovers
who hadn't just overheated...
boy we made a hot room a sauna by accident
you sweat me until i am called ocean

i'm an ocean that doesn't know where he stands
i'm full of funky things like sea wasps and cucumbers
and butterflies in my depths
reaching for beams of sun because they wanna feel love
i stand and swell impressively but who...
wants to date the ocean?
sir, you bleed me dry, dry, drier than your mother's sense of humor
but please don't tell her i said that
because it's true and she'll purse her lips
stand akimbo
not that she's cool enough to know that that means
with hands on hips
and I've got boxes of jellyfish stinging my insides
warning signals that I could've picked up on
before finding out that hairy armpits offend
her delicate sensibility
Even my butterflies tried to warn me
your mother, I'm sorry lover, but she's crazy
it's something you need to learn first hand
like how to strike chords in bible bashers instead of
striking matches for bombs or curving fingers around triggers
or daughters
for your freedom, how far would you go
all the way and you'll be free for a day
they lied, and they
will continue to push through swarms of
pursed lipped offended overbearing parents and
teachers, managers and therapists
sure you're a bad seed in the face of society
push until they get to you and
you give in to the swell as it swallows you...
boy, you keep me high
yeah, boy, you bleed me dry

You've got eyes like hurricanes and arms
that run like the wind
a through and through bullet couldn't
hit me harder than your sharp-tongued knives
but who doesn't love a little satire
Murphy has always run our lives
straight into walls of prisons and beds with chains
let's talk about guarding doors or
being onstage
With bold looks like yours
I'm surprised any of your exes survived
because we know looks really do
kill time and kill the willing
and I've never said no to you
so take no mercy because I
will always love you more than any person
ever should
it may not be all hot air balloons and fireworks
but if we could ever make this work
solve the intricate puzzle
we've fucked it up ourselves
everyone needs repair and y'know
I don't even care if Sunday Bible Study is downstairs
next time I'm there and I need a cigarette
I'll jump out your window
but you know I'd do that for you, too...
Yes, I know the roof is steep, but so is
my chance with you
so if I can make it there
I'm sure I'll survive this little jump
I just have to figure out how to get back in

But, y'know, it ain't so bad a view from down here, either, love.


(ddt tcs)
a/n: I have no idea... this isn't finished, of course. Well, maybe. I'm... boxes of jellyfish.
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: evan greer
24 November 2009 @ 05:06 pm
You hit me like a heart attack every time you come around
there's gotta be some magic in that
without fail, I'm falling and everyone around me is saying
"Oh, not again!" but I can't help it
or the sappy cliches running through my head
I wish I knew how to quit you...
I've never loved more beautifully
than I love you
and it'll never go away
despite my attempts, the second you sidle in
I'm back to being yours
but I've changed, my heart is spinning
and strengthening in places
while leaving room for new lovers
you're in my calloused fingers
held to my paper heart
I don't know where to go from here
I've been clueless since the start
homeless since I called you Home
you held my heart between your fingers
weather was never better
windy in chicago
and our love went wherever the wind blew.
I've never loved more beautifully
and you are a complicated loss
because you've come back again
and I never say no to you,
I don't know how, I only know I do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
mx nikolaas mirage
01 November 2009 @ 09:49 am
"Beautiful," I whispered, hoping it would sink into your skin
like cursive veins or electricity or splinters
stuck until it's been spent
so I can tell you again
you're beautiful.
The first time I said that was like the first time
having sex
I was awkward, you were confused
I knew what I was going for
and we were sitting on the floor
like the first time my lips touched yours
outside a house where 16 people lived
and the parties never had to end
I say you're beautiful again
because I want you to feel it
I want you to take these pretty boy eyes
and see yourself through them
take the paper bag off your head

I have been domesticated by you, my love
I've stopped humping the pillows while you're gone on
business trips and call to say
we click like pens on a page
we stick like leeches to skin
you are my second skin
so i've stopped pissing in the kitchen sink
or backyard for the neighbors to see
saying "this place ain't what it used to be"
with their traditional beliefs and my
screaming bloodied fists
I'll pound my chest
until it doesn't exist
I'll pound my chest
until I am free...
25 October 2009 @ 07:13 pm
america runs on sugar and rage
passively crashing into the atmosphere
but really
i'm stuck in my captain's cage
sailor hat fitted for a younger skin
on our sugar packet binge
i'll stand outside
trace the fingertip bruises
road maps of your travels up my thigh
i won't remember which day of the week

we spent on swing sets talking sex
like it was foreplay between sheets
(when really we were getting off-
grass between our teeth)

Convinced your silhouette is a sad ode to
crumbling worlds and cracking eggs
I'm letting you run this marathon
without zapping out neurons
or switching X's to Y's to totally
fuck your mind
I'll touch your sad ode
to dilapidated sheds
and lonely chairs
pushed aside to sit the bench
so the hungry to spend
can get their thirst quenched

And I'm the desert of every heart
quicksand you eyed from the start
I'm just a really convincing cover
a monster of another flavor
sugar and rage, I'll feed you
like the coffee candy carbs whore
you're paying me to be
smile, baby
open your eyes, catch your breath
and let the rush overwhelm you.

17 October 2009 @ 02:06 pm
I hate you so because you make me eat   jello and pudding and dairy...   dietary restrictions, monetary   restrictions an addiction to

pain killers like   empty stomachs, lefty scissors, and broken zippers   no bread, no gluten, no red, no acid  no dairy or anything  with too

many calories  confining myself to a controllable substance box   trying to tame the wild within   may start and end with a restriction 

against my gender, against its bending, stretching, dissolving ways  squeeze out my freedom of speech so I can scream silently  you

know my headstrong, eager hands will light the match any day   no bread, no glutenredaciddairycaloriefilleddonut no nothing until

the world i'm forced to live with is forced to live with me, too.

Fuck your politics, leave my tranny genderfucking polyamorous queer jew boy ass* alone! (*and all other parts of my anatomy, community, rights, freedom.)

As always,
Mx. Nikolaas Mirage

30 August 2009 @ 05:04 am
I'm doing my very best to hold a somewhat normal eating pattern. Issues: 1) I get 1-2 fifteen minute breaks at work, depending on how many hours I work. My 6 hour days, I get one, the 8 hours days (like today!), I get two. So, since I refuse to eat ANYTHING Dunkin Donuts makes (except the occasional munchkin while I'm working...) there's really no way for me to get in lunch. So, two "meals" a day it is. I had a little bowl of cereal this morning. It's become a routine.

THE ISSUE WITH MY BREAKFAST? I end up skipping dinner! I know, I know, I knoooooow it's like, not an advancement at all. But really, I'm trying. Last night, Kev brought over meat stuffer things from Amato's and I had three of them (they're about 3 inches all the way around) and was full. That seems like an unhealthy dinner- and it is- but 3 is better than 12 and calories are calories, right? So, I probably got.... like maybe 1000 cals yesterday. I dunno how many in those meat stuffers, but otherwise I had that cereal, a few munchkins, and my ice coffee that's only 60 calories. Yay! I love my ice coffee... my free ice coffee... haha

Okay, I've gotta run and stop obsessing over cals. I wish... I had a normal metabolism, that I could kidnap Brandon and Carrie-Lynne, and that... work let us accept tips (because I do it anyway.)

Nikolaas Mathias Mirage
Tags: ,
Current Location: saco river
Current Mood: thoughtfulanalytical
Current Music: wheatus
21 August 2009 @ 01:20 pm
The most beautiful part of me is you
and you pump blood into my heart
make me run faster, breathe harder
love deeper than I ever thought I could...
And I'm not just talking about sex   all
hands on legs, teeth to necks
bite back words that aren't enough
feeling like a heart attack
a stroke, suffocating in love or
lavender lighting or
pinned down like we were fighting
in the dark at 4am
when we should be
dumpstering eighteenth century reading material
instead of fanning these flames
The most beautiful, happy, wonderful
giggling and dizzied part of me
lies underneath your fingertips
that touch my soul like a river
yeah, you are the part of me
that beats wildly and lulls me to sleep
Tells me it's never too late to build another bridge
to the same place I swore I'd never go
you tell me not to compromise but to show
my vibrant, pretty damn gay
colors to the world
head high, ceiling low, I can touch the ground
and remember where to go
I can touch your hand
to know where I am, where I've been
and that the rivers always welcome
I've got an open invitation
to succumb to a love
that never ends, never dies, and is never
than now.


ddt: you
15 August 2009 @ 12:55 am
Fuck all your notions, I'm witty. I may not be superman, but I am SuperTran and you can't take that away, I have the suspenders to prove it.

Why don't I sleep?